literature

Broken Girl

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Miss--Understood's avatar
Published:
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Literature Text

It's scary, isn't it?

How that girl, the one that smiles non-stop, was the one that only just last night lay in bed and silently pleaded 'kill me, kill me'.

How that girl that everyone laughs at, who everyone misunderstood, cried in her shower, clawing at her own skin and begged 'take me back, take me back'.

How that girl that everyone looks at for a laugh cried 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry'. [It scares her that even she doesn't know who she's apologising to.]

It's terrifying, really; that the one girl you'd never think to be is the one that's truly broken.

[It's scary, and even she doesn't understand it much herself.]

However, the most chilling thing? That those closest to her heart will never hear screams from the Broken Girl.
....
© 2012 - 2024 Miss--Understood
Comments18
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H-A-Cooke's avatar
Vision:

The pain resonates through your writing. The Narrator's voice gets underneath the reader's skin forcing her/him to remember a time in her/his life when emotions like this ruled their minds and hearts.
(I'm sorry you are feeling this way. If you wand to talk I can lend an ear)

Originality:

The use of sub-text in your piece really drive home the perception of isolation the Subject (the person the story is about) feels. It creates a sense of honesty and confidentiality for the reader making this short piece (only 131 words) writing the reader needs to read, even if she/he doesn't want to hear what is being said.

Technique:

There are several sentences that contain commas where commas aren't needed. Commas are only used to separate two independent clauses with a conjunction or to separate a dependent clause from an independent clause.

They are:

"How that girl, the one that smiles non-stop was the one that only just last night lay in bed and silently pleaded 'kill me, kill me."

^ You have a comma between 'non-stop' and 'was' that doesn't need to be there. The phrase "How that girl" is a dependent clause, it needs "The ones that smiles...etc." in order to carry meaning. But, "The one that smiles non-stop...etc." is a dependent clause, it does not need "How that girl" to carry meaning and power.

"How that girl everyone laughs at, who everyone misunderstood cried in her shower clawing at her own skin and begged 'take me back, take me back.' "

^ The comma between "misunderstood" and "cried" applies to the "dependent" and "independent" clause comments I made above.

^ The comma between "shower" and "clawing" is a comma splice. You could use it correctly if you made said ", and she clawed at her skin begging 'take me back, take me back.' Or, you can take the commas out and keep the sentence structure exactly the same.

^ The third change is omitting the word "that," which you had before "everyone." Your sentence will have more strength if you avoid using the same word twice in the same idea.

Impact:

Your piece has been stuck in my head since I read it a few months ago. I completely understand the mind-set and emotional stand point of what you are experiencing. I hope that this comment show support from me as a person and as a fellow writer. The biggest aspect of your work is the raw honesty and how you don't try to explain yourself in your Author's Description, you just write "...," which speaks volumes.

:huggle: